- If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence you tried.
- When all else fails, read the directions.
- He who laughs last probably doesn't understand the joke.
- Never hit a guy with glasses. Always use your fists.
- The only time I open my mouth is to change feet.
- Happiness can't buy money.
- True friends always stab you in the front.
- I'll have to think twice about it before I give it a second thought.
- There is more to life than increasing its speed.
- Never advise anyone to go to war or to marry.
- The meek shall inherit the Earth after we're done with it.
- A coward is a hero with a wife, kids and a mortgage.
- Teamwork is essential, it gives them someone else to shoot at.
- Conscience: What hurts when everything else feels so good.
- Help stamp out, eliminate and abolish redundancy!
- You're schizophrenic? Gee, that makes four of us.
- Why is the word 'Abbreviation' so long?
- If your attack is going really well, it's an ambush.
- If a tree fell on the florist, would he make any sound?
- A penny saved is a congressional oversight.
- Error. Keyboard not found. Press any key to continue...
- A day without sunshine is like... night.
- Floggings will continue until morale improves.
- All's well that ends.
- It's not an optical illusion, it just looks like one.
- An elephant is a mouse built to government specifications.
- What if there were no hypothetical situations?
- Dyslexics of the world untie!
- A cat will blink when struck with a hammer.
- Honesty is the best policy. But insanity is a better defense.
- Gravity is a myth, the Earth sucks.
- As I said before, I never repeat myself.
- Forgive your enemies, but remember their names.
- If a mute swears, does his mother wash his hands with soap?
- If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is it considered a hostage situation?
- Is there another word for synonym?
- Isn't it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do "practice"?
- When sign makers go on strike, is anything written on their signs?
- When you open a bag of cotton balls, is the top one meant to be thrown away?
- Where do forest rangers go to "get away from it all"?
- Why isn't there mouse-flavored cat food?
- Why do they report power outages on TV?
- What do you do when you see an endangered animal eating an endangered plant?
- What's another word for thesaurus?
- If a parsley farmer is sued, can they garnish his wages?
- Would a fly without wings be called a walk?
- Why do they lock gas station bathrooms? Are they afraid someone will clean them?
- If the funeral procession is at night, do folks drive with their headlights off?
- If a stealth bomber crashes in a forest, will it make a sound?
- If a turtle doesn't have a shell, is he homeless or naked?
- When it rains, why don't sheep shrink?
- Should vegetarians eat animal crackers?
- If the cops arrest a mime, do they tell him he has the right to remain silent?
- If you're cross-eyed and have dyslexia, can you read all right?
- Why isn't phonetic spelled the way it sounds?
- Why are there interstates in Hawaii?
- Why are there flotation devices under airplane seats instead of parachutes?
- Why are cigarettes sold at gas stations where smoking is prohibited?
- If you shoot a mime, do you need a silencer?
- If the 7-11 is open 24 hours a day, 365 days a year, why are there locks on its doors?
- If you are driving at the speed of light and you turn on your headlights, what happens?
- You know how most packages say, "Open here?" What should you do if the package says, "Open somewhere else?"
- Why do we drive on parkways and park on driveways?
- Why is it that when we transport something by car, it's called a shipment, but when we transport something by ship, it's called cargo?
- You know that indestructible little black box that is used on airplanes, why can't they make the whole plane out of that same substance?
- Why is that when you're driving and looking for an address, you turn the radio down?
- Why are they called apartments when they're all stuck together?
- If olive oil comes from olives, where does baby oil come from?
- If con is the opposite of pro, is Congress the opposite of progress?
- Why do noses run and feet smell?

1. Don't sweat the petty things, and don't pet the sweaty things.
2. One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor.
3. One nice thing about egotists: They don't talk about other people.
4. To be intoxicated is to feel sophisticated but not be able to say it.
5. Never underestimate the power of stupid people in large groups. (Check out Congress if you have doubts)
6. The older you get, the better you realize you were.
7. I doubt, therefore I might be.
8. Age is a very high price to pay for maturity.
9. Procrastination is the art of keeping up with yesterday.
10. Women like silent men, they think they're listening.
11. Men are from earth. Women are from earth. Deal with it.
12. Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.
13. A fool and his money are soon partying.
14. Do pediatricians play miniature golf on Wednesdays?
15. Before they invented drawing boards, what did they go back to?
16. Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery.
17. If all the world is a stage, where is the audience sitting?
18. If God dropped acid, would he see people?
19. If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest have to drown too?
20. If the #2 pencil is the most popular, why is it still #2?
21. If work is so terrific, how come they have to pay you to do it?
22. If you're born again, do you have two bellybuttons?
23. If you ate pasta and antipasta, would you still be hungry?
24. If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done?
25. Why is it called tourist season if we can't shoot at them?

How do I set my laser printer on stun?
How is it possible to have a civil war?
Why is there an expiration date on sour cream?
If most car accidents occur within five miles of home, why doesn't everyone just move 10 miles away?

WORDS OF WISDOM

1. I can please only one person per day. Today is not your day. Tomorrow's not looking good either.
2. I love deadlines. I especially love the swooshing sound they make as they go flying by.
3. Am I beeing smart with you? How would you know?
4. I'd explain it to you, but your brain would explode.
5. Someday we will lookback on this and plow into a parked car.
6. There are few personal problems that cannot be solved through a suitable application of high explosives.
7. Tell me what you need, and I'll tell you how to get along without it.
8. Accept that some days you're the pigeon, and some days you're the statue.
9. Needing someone is like needing a parachute. If he isn't there the first time you need him, chances are you won't be needing him again.
10. I don't have an attitude problem. You have a perception problem.
11. Last night I lay in bed looking up at the stars in the sky and thought to myserf, Where the hell is the ceiling?'
12. My reality check bounced.
13. On the keyboard of life, always keep one finger, on the escape key.
14. I don't suffer from stress - I'm a carrier.
15. You're slower than a herd of turtles stampeding through peanut butter!
16. Everybody is somebody else's weirdo.
17. Never argue with an idiot. They drag you down to their level then beat you with experience.

ON THE LIGHTER SIDE

- What do you get when you toss a hand grenade into a kitchen in France?
Linoleum blownapart.
- Did you hear about the red ship and the blue ship that collided?
Both crews were marooned.
- A neutron goes into a bar and asks the bartender, "How much for a beer?"
The bartender replied "For you, no charge."
- Two atoms are walking down the street and they run in to each other. One says to the other, "Are you all right?" "No, I lost an electron!" "Are you sure?" "Yeah, I'm positive!"
- Eskimos in a kayak were chilly, but when they lit a fire in the craft, it sank; proving once-and-for-all that you can't have your kayak & heat it, too.
- A three-legged dog walks into a saloon in the Old West. He sidles up to the bar and announces: "I'm looking for the man who shot my paw."
- Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused his dentist's novocaine during root canal work? He wanted to transcend dental medication.