THE BLIND MAN
A woman picked a very warm day to begin her spring housecleaning. After an hour
or two she thought, "This beat is unbearable. I can't stand these clothes
another minute." She promptly took every stitch off and happily continued with
her housework. Then the doorbell rang.
"Wouldn't you know it," she said to herself, and tiptoed to the window. She peered through the curtains and saw a man standing at the front door. The woman called out: "Who is it?" "Blind man" - was the reply.
"Are you sure?" she shouted back. "Of course I'm sure," was the answer. "Since he's blind," she thought "it won't make any difference". She ran down the stairs with a dollar bill in her hand, flung open the door and handed it to him. The man looked surprised, took the dollar bill and asked: "OK, lady, where do you want me to hang these blinds?"
There were two twins, Joe and John. Joe was the owner of an old dilapidated boat. It just so happened that John's wife died the same day Joe's boat sank. A few days later a kindly old woman saw Joe and mistaking him for John said, "I'm sorry to hear about your loss. You must feel terrible." Joe thinking, she was talking about his boat, said "Fact is, I'm sort of glad to be rid of her. She was a rotten old thing from the beginning. Her bottom was all shriveled up and she smelled like an old dead fish, she was always losing her water, she had a bad crack in the back and a pretty big hole in the front too. Every time I used her the hole got bigger and she leaked like crazy. I guess what finally finished her off was when I rented her to these four guys looking for a good time, and I warned them that she wasn't very good, but they wanted to use her anyhow. The fools all tried to get into her at once and she split right up the middle." The old woman fainted.
ON THE LIGHTER SIDE
A Chinese couple is in bed. The husband says 'I want 69.'
His wife says 'why you want Beef and Broccoli now?'
Did you hear about the Chinese couple that had a black baby?
They named him Sum Ting Wong
How can you tell the certain ethnic guy in the hospital?
He's the one blowing the foam off of his bedpan.
What's the best thing about a blowjob?
10 minutes of peace and quiet.
What do you call an Amish guy with his hand up a horses ass?
What would you call it when an Italian has one arm shorter than the other?
A Speech Impediment.
What does it mean when the flag at the Post Office is flying at half mast?
What do toilets, clitoris, and an anniversary have in common?
Men miss them all.
Where does a certain ethnic family go on vacation?
A different bar.
How many white cops does it take to push a black man down the stairs?
None - He fell.
A rural teacher gave her fifth grade class an assignment to go home and get their parents to tell them a story with a moral at the end of it. The next day the kids came back and one by one began to tell their stories. Kathy said, "My father's a farmer and we have a lot of egg-laying hens. One time we were taking our eggs to market in a basket on the front seat of the pickup when we hit a bump in the road and all the eggs went flying and broke and made a mess. The teacher said, "And what's the moral of the story?" "Don't put all your eggs in one basket!" replied Kathy. "Very good," said the teacher. "Now Lucy what is your story?" "Our family are farmers too. But we raise chickens for the meat market. One time we had a dozen eggs that a hen was hatching, but when the eggs hatched we only got ten live chicks. And the moral to this story is don't count your chickens until they're hatched." "That was a fine story Lucy. Johnny do you have a story to share?" "Yes, Ma'am, my daddy told me this story about my Uncle Bob. My Uncle Bob was a pilot in Vietnam and his plane got hit by a SAM missile. He had to bail out over enemy territory and all he had was a bottle of whiskey, a machine gun and a machete. He drank the whiskey on the way down so it wouldn't break and then he landed right in the middle of 100 enemy troops. He killed seventy of them with the machine gun until he ran out of bullets, then he killed twenty more with the machete til the blade broke and then he killed the last ten with his bare hands" "My goodness," said the horrified teacher, " What kind of moral did your Daddy give you from that horrible story?" Johnny smiled brightly and replied, "Don't ever fuck with Uncle Bob when he's been drinking."
THE NEW TAX LAW
The only thing that the IRS has not yet taxed is the male penis. This is due to
the fact that 40% of the time it is hanging around unemployed, 30% of the time
it is hard up, 20% of the time it is pissed off and 10% of the time it is in the
hole. On top of that, it has two dependents and they are both nuts.
Effective January 1, 1999, your penis will be taxed according to size.
The brackets are as follows:
10-12" Luxury Tax $30
8-10" Pole Tax $25
5-8" Privilege Tax $15
4-5" Nuisance Tax $ 3
Males exceeding 12" must file under capital gains.
Anyone under 4 inches is eligible for a refund.
PLEASE DO NOT ASK FOR AN EXTENSION!
Sincerely, Pecker Checker IRS
NOTE: We are still waiting for answers for the following questions:
Are there penalties for early withdrawals?
What if one's penis is self employed?
Do multiple partners count as a corporation?
Is there an additional tax if you are not circumcised?
Are condoms a deductible expense as work clothes?
John goes to the local novelty shop and finds a pair of x-ray glasses. He checks them out, and isn't fully convinced, but as usual, the store assistant comes along and closes the deal. On his way home, John puts on his new x-ray glasses and, bingo! He sees everyone in the street naked. He takes them off for a moment, and everyone has their clothes on. Puts the glasses back on...everyone is naked! "Cool!" As he arrives back home, he is eager to show his new toy to his wife, Judi, but can't find her. He goes up to the bedroom and finds his wife and the postman, naked in bed. He takes his glasses off, and the two are still naked. He puts them back on, and they are still naked. John then says: "Damn, I just paid fifty bucks for these and they're already broken!"
Poor Old Murphy!
Old man Murphy had worked down at the brewery for years, but one day he just wasn't paying attention and he tripped on the walkway and fell over into the beer vat and drowned. The foreman thought it should be his job to inform the widow Murphy of her old man's death. He showed up at the front door and rang the bell. When she came to the door, he said, "I'm sorry to tell you, but poor old Murphy passed away at work today when he fell into the vat and drowned." She wept and covered her face with her apron and after a time, between sobs, she asked, "Tell me, did he suffer?" "I don't think so," said the foreman, "He got up three times to go to the men's room."
One bright, beautiful Sunday morning, the townspeople were in church, listening to the organ play. Suddenly, Satan appeared at the front of the church. Everyone started screaming and running for the front entrance, trampling each other in a frantic effort to get away from evil incarnate. Soon everyone was evacuated from the Church, except for one elderly gentleman who sat calmly in his pew, not moving, seemingly oblivious to the fact that God's ultimate enemy was in his presence. Now this confused Satan a bit, so he walked up to the man and said, "Don't you know who I am?" The man replied, "Yep, sure do." Satan asked, "Aren't you afraid of me?" "Nope, sure ain't," said the man. Satan was a little perturbed at this and queried, "Why aren't you afraid of me?" The man calmly replied, "Been married to your sister for 48 years!"
An Irishman had been drinking at a pub all night. The bartender finally said
that the bar is closing. So the Irishman stood up to leave and fell flat on his
face. He tried to stand one more time; same result. He figured he'll crawl
outside and get some fresh air and maybe that will sober him up. Once outside he
stood up and fell flat on his face. So he decided to crawl the 4 blocks to his
home. When he arrived at the door he stood up and again fell flat on his face.
He crawled through the door and into his bedroom. When he reached his bed he
tried one more time to stand up. This time he managed to pull himself upright,
but he quickly fell right into bed and is sound asleep as soon as his head hit
He was awakened the next morning to his wife standing over him, shouting, "So, you've been out drinking again!!" "What makes you say that?" he asked, putting on an innocent look. The pub called -- you left your wheelchair there again!"