BACKUP: Opposite of forward.
BASIC: A computer language used for generating errors.
BBS: Not a 'Class A' B.S.
BOARD: State of mind of the programmer's spouse.
BOOLEAN LOGIC: Your spouse's term for your reasoning.
BRANCH: Stick used for beating CPU's and if the stick is watered it might turn into a computer club.
BUBBLE MEMORY: Your spousels nickname for you.
BUBBLE SORT: Your spouse's term for your friends.
BUG: Intercom system used in the Watergate complex.
BUS: Mode of transportation for programmers.
BYTE: A Large NIBBLE.
C: The language of washed-up programmers.
CHIP: 1. One California Highway Patrolman.
2. Used in computers, they come in four flavors: silicon, potato, chocolate, and buffalo.
CLOAD: Command to Lockup the keyboard.
COMPUTER MAGAZINE: A place where your computer stores ammunition.
CONCATENATION: A convention of all the nation's kitty cats.
CPU: C3-PO's mother.
CRASH: Normal termination of a program.
CRT: See RT.
CSAVE: A command to Write blank tapes.
DEBUG: RAID sprayed on the keyboard.
DEDICATED: A programmer trying to decode a string packed program.
DIGITAL: Something done with fingers, as in checking computer mathematics.
DIP: Inventor of a famous switch.
DISK DRIVE: A motor for a Frisbee.
DISK PACK: Six cans of fluid, used by disk drive technicians to improve their thinking.
DMA: Abbreviation for 'Direct memory Access' also know as brain surgery.
DOWNTIME: Slang for when a programmer is being realistic.
DUMP: Spouse's term for area around the computer.
EBCDIC: Security code for IBM computers. Means "Erase Backup, Chew Disk, Ignite Cards.
EDITOR: A program which deletes obscene commands.
ENDLESS LOOP: See LOOP, ENDLESS.
EPROM: Acronym for 'Exit Program, Read owners Manual'.
ERROR: A progranyner's decision to skip making a flowchart and to exclude comments from his program.
ERROR TRAP: A black hole placed in a computer to capture bugs.
EXECUTION: What your computer did to your program, also known as murder.
EXPANSION: Computer slang for 'Vital Parts Missing'. A computer with 'Expansion Capability', is capable of working only when the extra parts are purchased.
FIFO: Good name for a French Poodle.
FIG-FORTH: A quartered Fig.
FILE: Found in cakes, it is used to end Lockups.
FIRMWARE: Hardware that is beginning to melt.
FLIP FLOP CIRCUIT: Device used by Politicians to determine policy.
FLOPPY DISK: Back pain that you claim is from an old war injury.
FLOWCHART: Current map of the Gulf of Mexico.
FLYING HEAD: Airline toilet.
FORTH: One of the top three computer Languages.
GENERAL PURPOSE COMPUTER: A computer not terribly good at anything in particular
GIGO: 'Garbage in-Garbage Out'. Normal result of most computer programming
GLITCH: A bug with ambitions.
HANDSHAKING: Symptom of too much programming. Most commonly seen among programmers who have just had their program erased by power fluctuations before they could save their program.
HARD COPY. Cheating during a well monitored test.
HEXADECIMAL: Unlucky numbers used in Computers.
HIGH RESOLUTION: A law passed in Denver.
HOME COMPUTER: Real estate agent's Loan calculator.
IBM: Incredibly Big Machine.
INTERFACE: The Look on the face of the computer salesperson as you walk away with a machine you'll never know how to use.
ITERATE: A health illiterate.
KEYBOARD: The most important part of a computer. Resembling a typewriter, the keyboard is used for entering errors into a computer.
KEYPUNCH: The one who won the fight.
KEYWORDS: ALL the words left out of your computer.
LANGUAGE: A system of organized and defining syntax errors.
LIFO: What a programmer loses when he blows his STACK.
LOOKUP TABLE: Crib sheet for computers.
LOOP, ENDLESS: See ENDLESS LOOP.
MAINFRAME: What the salesman said you were getting when you bought your micro. Also see SIMULATOR.
MATH CHIP: Piece of a broken abacus.
MINICOMPUTER: Girlfriend of Mickeycomputer.
MUX: Short for multiplexer, a device which plexes multis. A device which plexes cats is a purrplexer.
NIBBLE: A small BYTE.
NORMALIZE: What a spouse claims to be trying to do by cutting the power to the computer.
PASSWORD: The nonsense word taped to the monitor.
PERIPHERAL: Your spouse after you bought your computer.
PINFEED: Tender, juicy numbers used only in the most expensive computers.
PROGRAMMER: A person who thinks he knows how to talk to a computer. A person who really knows how to talk to a computer is known as a fruitcake.
PROTECTED DATA: Definition withheld.
REAL NUMBERS: What you wish your computer would use instead of all this phony binary/hex stuff.
RECURSION: See RECURSION.
REGISTER: Never found in a Radio Shack store.
RESET: Another way to end a four hour sort.
RIBBON: What your spouse gives you every time your friends ask you about your computer.
RND: Short for 'Random Number Generator, a computer command for calculating checkbook balances, income tax, rent, phone bills...
RS232: R2-D2's father.
RT: Remote Terminal; What the programmer considers his spouse.
SERIAL: Wheaties, Cheerios, etc.
SIMULATOR: What you actually purchased when you bought your computer. Also see MAINFRAME.
STACK: The area of a computer's memory used to collect garbage bytes.
STAND ALONE: What happens to a programmer when he starts talking about computers at a party.
STATE OF THE ART: Undefined.
SUBROUTINE: Close hatches before diving.
SUBSCRIPT: Generally inferior to SUPERSCRIPT.
SUPERSCRIPT: Generally superior to SUBSCRIPT.
TERMINAL: Mental state of programmers.
USER: Someone requiring drug rehabilitaion.
VOLATILE STORAGE: A disk drive filled with nitroglycerine.
WORK STATION: The last place where you'd find a programmer.
WRITE: Opposite of wrong.
BACKWOODS COMPUTER GLOSSARY:
BACKUP - What you do when you run across a skunk in the woods.
BAR CODE - Them's the fight'n rules down at the local tavern.
BUG - The reason you give for calling in sick.
BYTE - What your pitbull dun to cusin Jethro.
CACHE - Needed when you run out of food stamps.
CHIP - Pasture muffins that you try not to step in.
COMPUTER TERMINAL - Time to call the undertaker.
CRASH - When you go to Junior's party uninvited.
DIGITAL - The art of counting on your fingers.
DISKETTE - Female disco dancer.
FAX - What you lie about to the IRS.
HACKER - Uncle Leroy after 32 years of smoking.
HARDCOPY - Picture looked at when selecting tattoos.
INTERNET - Where cafeteria workers put their hair.
KEYBOARD - Where you hang the keys to the John Deere.
MAC - Big Bubba's favorite fast food.
MEGAHERTZ - How your head feels after 17 beers.
MODEM - What ya do when the grass gets too high.
MOUSE PAD - Where Mickey and Minnie live.
NETWORK - Scoop'n up a big fish before it breaks the line.
ONLINE - Where to stay when taking the sobriety test.
ROM - Where the pope lives.
SCREEN - Helps keep the moskeeters off the porch.
SERIAL PORT - A red wine you drink with breakfast.
SUPERCONDUCTOR - Amtrak's Employee of the year.
SCSI - What you call your week-old underwear.
DR. SEUSS' COMPUTER TECHNICAL MANUAL:
If a packet hits a pocket on a socket on a port,
and the bus is interrupted as a very last resort,
and the address of the memory makes your floppy disk abort,
then the socket packet pocket has an error to report.
If your cursor finds a menu item followed by a dash,
and the doubleclicking icon puts your window in the trash,
and your data is corrupted 'cause the index doesn't hash,
then your situation's hopeless and your system's gonna crash!
If the label on the cable on the table at your house,
says the network is connected to the button on your mouse,
but your packets want to tunnel on another protocol,
that's repeatedly rejected by the printer down the hall,
and your screen is all distorted by the side effects of gauss,
so your icons in the window are as wavy as a souse,
then you may as well reboot and go out with a bang,
'cause as sure as I'm a poet, the sucker's gonna hang!
When the copy of your floppy's getting sloppy on the disk,
and the microcode in structions cause unnecessary risk,
then you have to flash your memory and you'll want to RAM your ROM.
Quickly turn off the computer and be sure to tell your mom.