1. Specify that your drive-thru order is 'to go.'
2. Insist on keeping your car windshield wipers running in all weather conditions "to keep them tuned up."
3. Sing along at the opera.
4. Reply to everything someone says with "that's what YOU think."
5. Practice making fax and modem noises.
6. Highlight irrelevant information in scientific papers and "cc" them to your boss.
7. As much as possible, skip rather than walk.
8. Signal that a conversation is over by clamping your hands over your ears.
9. Adjust the tint on your TV so that all the people are green and insist to others that you "like it that way."
10. Repeat the following conversation a dozen times: "Do you hear that?" "What?" "Never mind, it's gone now."
11. Go to a poetry recital and ask why each poem doesn't rhyme.
12. Ask people what gender they are.
13. While making presentations, occasionally bob your head like a parakeet.
14. Sit in your front yard pointing a hair dryer at passing cars to see if they slow down.
15. Send this list to everyone in your e-mail address book even if they sent it to YOU or asked you not to send things like this.


Only in America can a homeless combat veteran live in a cardboard box and a draft dodger live in the White House.
Only in America can a pizza get to your house faster than an ambulance.
Only in America are there handicap parking places in front of a skating rink.
Only in America do drugstores make the sick, walk all the way to the back of the store to get their prescriptions.
Only in America do people order double cheese burgers, a large fry, and a diet coke.
Only in America do banks leave both doors open and then chain the pens to the counters.
Only in America do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars in the driveway and leave useless junk in the garage.
Only in America do we Drive on the Parkway and Park on the Driveway.
Only in America do we use answering machines to screen calls and then have call waiting so we won't miss a call from someone we didn't want to talk to in the first place.
Only in America do we buy hot dogs in packages of 10 and buns in packages of 8.
Only in America do we use the word "politics" to describe the process so well: "Poli" in Latin meaning "many" and "tics" meaning "blood-sucking creatures".
Only in America do they have drive-up ATM machines with Braille lettering!